My name is Tiff and this is my sixth drink
That is probably where the counting stopped. It was also probably more like my 10th drink, thanks to a boozy bottomless brunch in Nottingham last Saturday. I didn’t even know it was possible to have that many cocktails in 2 hours, we gave it a bloody good bash though!
Yes, I am a health coach, and I am incredibly aware of the negative effects of alcohol on the body. And yes, I will absolutely support and guide my ladies to follow a minimal alcohol diet plan…But I am also a human woman, on a hen do with penis straws, karaoke and several layers of slap…. with a deep need to blow off some steam with the girlfriends I barely get to see. I am unapologetic about my human side – I am a mother, so yes chicken nuggets and beans will feature in my child’s menu, I also enjoy the occasional blowing off steam with my friends. So, If my occasional faux pas as a health care professional offend you, I am not the health coach you are looking for and avert your eyes now.
Motherhood is a beautiful, life-changing journey but often comes with an unspoken reality; the feeling of losing yourself in the process. Between the daily hustle of caring for kids, managing a home and balancing work, many mums find themselves questioning who am I beyond this, or even more worryingly, some of us don’t. Some of us survive the hamster wheel of life, putting the need of everyone else before our own. It’s almost like we don’t have time and/or don’t deserve to find who we really are.
A significant number of UK mothers experience guilt related to taking personal time. A survey by Bupa revealed that nearly 69% of mothers feel guilty about taking time out for themselves and almost half (49%) don’t feel like they deserve it.
A world outside of the hamster wheel
Girls, this weekend I stepped outside of the hamster wheel, tarted myself up and went on my best friend’s hen do. It was such a rare opportunity to reconnect with my girlfriend group and enjoy time away. Us girls have an awesome friendship – all of us transitioning from single pringles, to married mothers and all the grotty bits in-between, and I pine so much for some uninterrupted time with them, where we can all have a bit of fun once again.
It came with a whirlwind of emotions – guilt for leaving the children, inability to sleep because I was homesick, anxiety of returning home to their burnt-out Dad; my wonderful husband who so graciously has allowed me to spend some time for myself. These feelings are all far to familiar to many mothers and in the midst of all these feelings and while lying awake in my spinning hotel room at 3am – I realised something quite profound.
We need to prioritise ourselves and our friendships in order to be the best version of ourselves for our families…although I’m not too sure we should be drinking the sheer amount of alcohol I did that night. I’d probably skip that one out of my future advice.
The Guilt
From the moment I stepped out of the door the guilt crept in. Were the kids okay? Am I being selfish for taking time away? My poor friends left the house to crying children; ‘don’t go mummy,’ imagine just how shit that makes you feel. The truth is, the majority of us struggle with this internal dialogue. Society has conditioned mothers to believe that their presence should be constant and that taking time for themselves is indulgent rather than necessary. But in reality, stepping away to recharge is an act of self-care and not selfishness. Also, leaving the kids with their father – why do we feel so bad? Us girls have stable relationships with these menfolk who procreated with us – being a Dad is a 50% investment right? I’m pretty sure that they would also agree – yet still, we feel like shit to leave the house without them.
The importance of friendship in motherhood
Motherhood can be isolating but friendships serve as a powerful reminder that we are not alone. I’m not really one to have a large group of friends but have 3 of the kindest souls in my inner circle – my ‘ride or dies’. Spending time with other like-minded women, (note how I said like-minded, some women can be dickheads so you really don’t have to talk to those ones) especially mothers, provides a space for emotional connection, laughter and shared experiences.
We carry so much in our buckets; exhaustion, responsibilities, worries and when we gather together, we help each other lighten the load. It doesn’t have to be trauma bonding though guys, share the good stuff – the wins, the positives. It’s super important to share our own successes with the ones we love – my girls will lift me over the roof tops if I’ve done something amazing as I would for them. Even if I managed to go to the toilet in peace without my husband or children bothering me– which, may I add, is a very big win in my household.
Social support is crucial for maternal mental health. Research indicates that robust social support networks can protect the physical, mental and emotional health for individuals exposed to stress. For new mums, support from partners family and friends has been shown to alleviate stress and enhance their perception of their children leading to increased parental self-esteem and confidence.
Taking time for yourself benefits everyone
We’ve all heard the phase ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ yet many mothers continue to do exactly that – run on empty. The reality is that taking time for yourself isn’t just beneficial for you, it benefits your entire family.
A well-rested, emotionally fulfilled mother is more present, patient and engaged. When we nurture our own well-being we model self-care for our children, teaching them the importance of maintaining balance in life. I am a huge advocate for considering how my actions look to my children and if I am a grumpy bitch who only eats junk food, never leaves the house, refuses to exercise and endures a career which brings zero pleasure to herself, you grow up believing that shit is normal. It really doesn’t have to be! If we model self-care for our children, teaching them the importance of maintaining balance in life, we create happier humans.
How to navigate self-care related anxiety
The hardest part of taking time away is often the anxiety surrounding it – worrying about how things will be at home, feeling the weight of responsibilities waiting upon return. Here are some ways to ease that stress:
- Communicate openly: let your partner or support system know how you are feeling and what you need before leaving.
- Prepare in advance: organise things at home as much as possible to reduce stress for your partner or caregiver. Writing a list always help – it doesn’t need to be seen as not trusting who is looking after your children, but it allows you to disseminate that busy brain onto paper.
- Trust the process: everything might not run perfectly, but that’s ok! Your family will manage and you will return more refreshed. It also helps build emotional resilience for your children – mummy will come back, and hey guess what, she’s loads nicer when she does. It’s a win for all!
Embrace the woman beyond motherhood
Being a mum is a significant part of our identity but it’s’ not our only identity. We are still individuals with dreams, passions and relationships outside of our roles and others. Taking time to be with friends, to reconnect with ourselves and to simply breathe is not just a luxury – it is essential.
So, to all my mummas who are struggling to find themselves again: give yourself permission to step away, to enjoy the company of those who uplift you and remember that you are still YOU beneath the beautiful chaos of motherhood.
When was the last time you took time for yourself? What did you do and how did it make you feel? It doesn’t need to be a lavish night out on the town, it can be taking a nice bubbly bath, going out for dinner with a friend or taking a walk around the block. I’m here to help you find that much needed time for you.
Tiff x
Fresh Perspective health coaching 
Leave a comment